4:44 am

The poison spreads, like a bite from a venomous serpent, taking down the weak; seducing them into a trance-like state. One-by-one they follow, seemingly unaware.

I was once a hapless victim, believing that this death-march was going to lead me to my salvation.

In the stillness of the night, under the darkness, truth lays in wait. You cannot lie to yourself when there’s nobody there to witness you.

Be honest, the voice says. Free yourself. The serpent plays you for a fool and you were born for a greater destiny than this.

I chose to lop off the head of the snake, despite the fact that it went against all that I had been tricked into believing.

At times, the memories mock me. I feel the powerful pull, sucking me back in like a swift and powerful current. Sometimes you must allow it to carry you along to safety. Don’t fight it; you’ll drown while trying to save yourself. It’s a futile dance of death.

Use the current to your advantage. Allow it to propel you to higher ground. Always forward motion; never back.

You see, dear heart, you’re smarter than they. Your soul knows the way. Follow the tribal drumbeat – and do not be afraid.

‘These are my 4 am thoughts’. They come to me for a reason. I wrestle with the days gone —

“They’re not your people — let them go”.

[It’s a lonely and sometimes treacherous path, but I have faith in where it’s leading to.]

I’ll love you till my dying day, and way beyond that…

Always to thine own heart true,
Thundering Silence xo

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The Painful Reality of Grief, and other truths….

It’s that time of year again. The days that no amount of detachment can flee.

A Mother will remember forever the day of her child’s birth. The physical pain was pushed away and the intense love washed over me, like a tsunami meeting the shore.

The only thought on my mind that day was…..”is he okay, and how much time do we have?”

Those are not the normal thoughts of a ‘new’ mother……..

I knew our moments were fleeting.

I heard the ticking of the clock — beginning with the very moment that I found out you were with me; a Mother’s instinct so preternatural as primitive wisdom often is. The knowing,…. intense and unavoidable.

No amount of time is going to erase this.

Year after year it strikes again, and I am taken aback by how quickly the emotions hit me, leaving me literally breathless as I choke back the tears.

Deep breath — hold it. I cannot exhale for to do so is like letting go of you again. A breath that can never be breathed again.

A moment in time — gone in an instant —– and all you want to do is stop time.

Suspended animation. That desire to hold on for as long as you want to — as long as you need to — never wanting that magical feeling to stop. That wonderful feeling of meeting this tiny being that you felt growing inside of you……remembering the exhilarating experience of every flutter and kick, and every heartbeat heard.

Don’t exhale…..don’t let go……………

PLEASE JUST STOP………STOP………I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO GO ON……

BUT you do. You do go on. And you breathe again, cuz life’s like that.

Always moving forward, no matter what — launching you into newness, and the unknown.

Today, tomorrow……next week, next year…….time will play a trick, and I will be in this place once again.

So right now, I struggle with the knowing and the breathing and the feeling and the longing, — and the agony of grief….

…..and I hold my breath, and close my eyes, and I remember your beautiful innocent face the first time you looked at me, — your dark curls, the softness of your skin, the warmth of your touch, and the knowledge that you are with me always……

……..and one day……..one day……..I will see you again.

Baamaapii, little warrior…..until we meet again.

‘In every heartbeat, every sunset, every daisy,…… I think of you and smile’….

Gzaagin my boy, Mom xo

A year to clear…and a year to grow…Do what you LOVE!

When I decide to throw myself into something, I tend to go ‘all in’, and sometimes forget to find time for relaxation, and rest! So here’s today’s reminder………

I pondered this for several moments, and then wrote down my list.

I love — learning & sharing, essential oils and herbal remedies, gardening, crystals, cooking and creating my own recipes, reading — researching and writing, — about various topics! The list of loves is endless!




Follow your passions in life, and you’ll never be bored.

The truth is, I wish I could thrive on less sleep so I can spend more hours of my day pursuing my dreams.

Life is what you make it, peeps!

Make it a blessing!

Wishing you a ridiculously fulfilling life! xo

Don’t you dare give up on yourself…..

Welcome to 2019. Another year to ‘get it done’.

The greatest piece of advice that I have to offer to anyone on a mission, is:

NEVER GIVE UP BELIEVING THAT YOU CAN DO IT……

NEVER COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE.

Your mission is yours alone. You are a unique individual, with complex intricacies driving your every reflex, thought, movement, desire, wants and wishes……..

There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ guide to accomplishing all tasks or goals, so stop trying to fit in with the rest of the crowd that you deem admirable.

Be yourself. Express yourself in your own words, in your own way — and don’t allow anyone to tell you that you’re doing it wrong.

Remember that what appears a certain way on the outside-looking-in, is quite often not the way things really are. Illusions, smoke and mirrors — don’t allow your thoughts to get in the way of your own dreams.

Decades ago I made a pact to myself, when I was just a little girl, feeling broken and cast aside —-

I said to myself — “Don’t you ever grow up to treat anyone this way. Don’t ever hurt the people that you are supposed to love (off-spring and family members). Always be kind to animals and vulnerable peoples. AND don’t ever allow anyone to hold you back from following your dreams.”

Along the way there have been some unavoidable setbacks, but such is life. The hurdles can knock the wind out of your sails in a heartbeat, but you are fully in control of how you deal with the darkness, and cruel kicks to the face, when you least expect it.

I’ve come to appreciate these difficult paths and life lessons, for in hindsight I can see the opportunities for growth that so many others may not have been tested with. I now know my strengths, and I praise myself for those.

I also now know my weaknesses and they no longer make me cringe, or worry needlessly.
‘Here’s another opportunity for forward growth — bring it on!’

I may not be where someone else thinks I should be, but I’m right where I want to be because I am in the driver’s seat, and this past year has evolved precisely how I designed it to.

I know that the secret to building anything sustainable is in the foundation you take the time to lay down — but first you must engineer your blueprints, right?!

Don’t get ahead of yourself and jump into things that you haven’t drawn the blueprints for!

Whether it be weight-wellness, building a kick-ass body or business, writing a book, taking over the world —– NONE of those things can happen if you don’t get your head straight first.

Be gentle with yourself, and take your time.
Read the books that will guide you in the direction you feel comfortable with.

Envision your desires in your head, and meditate (think on it) until you can see it very clearly within reach!! It will happen if you are patient long enough…..and then onto the next delicate steps!

If it’s a new wellness program you’re wanting, don’t try to change your diet and lifestyle in one fell swoop — Add something healthy, then next week add something else, and once you’ve got that down pat, slowly wean yourself off of other unhealthy habits or what-have-yous……

Take the time to develop your healthy habits before trying to change it all at once! This prevents overwhelm which all too often sabotages our missions. [ Don’t forget to breathe ]

Our days may be numbered, but life’s not a race. Slow down and enjoy your moments, don’t beat yourself up, and NEVER, ever, give up on yourself!

#ibelieveinyou #yougotthis #eachdaymatters #slowandsteadywins

Once upon a time, I was a Mum…

I remember when I was a little girl [approximately 6 years of age], attending grade school.  My teacher asked each of us to stand up and announce what we wanted to be when we grew up.

Teacher:  “Melissa, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Me:  “I want to be a mother.”
Teacher:  “Besides that, pick a career goal,…..do you want to be a nurse, or perhaps a teacher?”
Me:  “No.  I want to be a Mum.”
Teacher:  (growing impatient while explaining to me what a career is while my school mates are peering at me and I’m trying not to dissolve into a puddle of shameful tears, wishing I could disappear)  “You must want to be something, other than a mother?  Lots of mothers have children and work outside the home.”
Me:  (realizing she isn’t going to let this go….)  “OK….I want to be an astronaut.”
Teacher:  “But that isn’t a woman’s career.”
Me:  (sitting down silently…..knowing I’ll remember this moment forever……)

So tell me, why this indoctrination at such a tender young age, to try to appeal to children — especially women — that being JUST A MOM isn’t acceptable?

Why must we shame (or brainwash by the powers of suggestion) our youth, male and female, into believing that a woman should be out seeking careers and employment, paying others to raise her children?  Is it so she can pay into the ‘system’ via employment taxes?!  Outrageous!!

I became a mother for the very first time, at a very young age.  Assumptions flew about, and only a very small handful of people knew the truth about that situation.  To this day, I have bit my tongue until it bleeds, keeping secrets so as to prevent further shame upon my now ‘young-adult’ offspring. 

I am currently (and for the last 4-6 years) unable to explain things to them, and they won’t understand (or be allowed to believe) the facts.

I have been blessed with the ability to bring 6 beautiful boys into this world, (2 now deceased), and the days of having them with me are the greatest days of my life.

Feeling their little kicks inside of me, as they grew and developed……
Gazing upon their faces (all but one), for the very first time after pushing them into existence outside of the safety and warmth of my womb…..{there’s no feeling quite like that.}

Nimkee’s First Kiss

The first breaths….
First feedings……first smiles…..first steps….first days of school…..grateful for the many years we were together — until they reached those teen/pre-teen years and flew out of my nest.

I was pregnant with Bennett aka Nimkee {RIP my sweet warrior}


And now, I sit here, almost 4 thousand kilometres away, and wonder………will I ever gaze upon their faces again?  Hear their voices, laughter, or wipe away tears?  Will I ever get to see my future grandbabies?

Will I only ever get to love from afar, praying for their safety, health, wisdom, and security…….

I wish that I could hold your hand forever….I miss you my sweet angel xo


They say once a mother, always a mother, but what do they know of a Mother’s grief as she sits each day, and slumbers each night, without her children safely nearby.


I am grateful for the nights I rocked each of them in the same wooden rocker, snuggling into their warmth as they slept upon my chest, head beneath my chin, breathing in that sweet baby fragrance…..


Each day is a bittersweet struggle as I try not to linger too long on the happy memories, for the tears will overflow  —   and I struggle with the overwhelming amount of love that I have, that has nowhere to go…..


Once upon a time….I was a loving Mother……..



The Invisible Girl is back…..

It happens.  The veil drops, and you ask yourself if you’ve become invisible.

In the beginning, you will hide your heartache, and cry silent tears, as though hurting is shameful.

As time passes, you begin to feel the numbness of nothingness, and you coast for a while in a state of suspended animation.  You make your way through the days on auto-pilot.

One morning you wake up and you feel the vast emptiness that has grown to an unbearable size — taking over your entire being.

You tiptoe into the daylight, and quietly (in a voice barely more than a whisper), make your sorrow known, hoping for solace.

You do this again and again, days turn into weeks, and the ache in your chest begins to interfere with your ability to function normally, with a level head.

You’re tired……exhausted of the constant battle of having to remain peaceful, when all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs for someone to notice you………

You feel yourself slipping……..

…………………………..and you can’t let that happen.


The Spirit of Nimkee

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy named Nimkee (Thunder in Ojibwe).
He is my son ~ forever 8 days old.
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The day I had to let him go was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. How do you say goodbye to an innocent little soul before he’s even had a chance?
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I made a promise to him. I promised to not stay silent forever, so now is my time. The grief has been staggering — but slow and steady days keep me going.
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This is a blog that I write in his memory. My thoughts. My truths. My everything.

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In my silent moments, I hear his voice whispering in my ear ~ and he says ~

“Hey Mum….Remember who you are.”

When I feel that quickening of my pulse, and literally begin to hear the rushing of my blood, through the veins in my ears, my heartbeat accelerating a bit  —  anxiety setting in  —  I am feeling queasy, and uneasy  —   I call upon him and he’s always there for me.

Gchi-miigwech, my boy  —  I hear you.  Message received.

My decisions may not be popular.

I can guarantee that if you try to force me to live an unauthentic life, stripping me of my joy, comfort, and liberties, I will 1000% of the time betray you with my loyalty to self.

This — is WHO — I AM.

 

I believe in a work ethic.  I get it.  Sometimes life revolves around a job, and an income.  But never will I allow a menial, meaningless, unsatisfying job, to dictate where I get to spend the rest of my days.

 

I’ve had my time.  My bruises no longer tender.  My dignity intact.

I’ve worked very hard to get myself to this place.  There will be no back-sliding.  No retreat.  No surrender.  No turning back.

I don’t know where I’m going to end up  ~  or how I’m going to get there  ~  but I didn’t have a plan to get me where I am today either and I somehow managed to squeak by relatively unphased for the long-term.

 

I believe in the powers of manifestation.  I believe that if we want something bad enough  —  if we can see it in our minds  —  we can one day touch it with our hands.

 

I have to believe that I have the  power within me, and around me, to get me through anything.

“I will, because I have to”, may get me through the most difficult times, but it won’t dictate my moves forever.

 

I guess a new adventure awaits.  Time to chart unchartered paths!

At least this time I’m not alone.  I now have ME.

 

[ The sun always shines, even after the darkest storm. ]

 

dawn-dramatic-dusk-1102915

Photo by Johannes Plenio from Pexels

Thy time, is now.

I have been feeling that sense of awakening; rumbling beneath the surface like an underwater tremor.

The gentle rage is my driving force; silenced only long enough for me to catch my breath; and regain my strength.

My silent dragon slumbers, in a deep, dark cavern at the bottom of a black abyss.

In the past I’ve told myself to let it go;  purge myself of that rage, but I can’t, and I won’t.

 

It is my fuel.

At times like this I can draw upon it.

 

Passions;

Passion to thrive.

Passion to survive — at all cost.

Passion to overcome every obstacle.

 

Over.

Under.

Around.

Whatever it takes to come out, in the lead.

 

Adrenaline is my friend; a comfortable companion that I’ve come to know, and trust.

Reliable.

Always there when the vibrations kick-in.

 

Honour is one of my greatest possessions.

I stay true to my word, always.

 

Intuition guides me.  I know what’s in my best interest…..or not.

I know where I am meant to be.

 

I know who I am.

There is no longer this trepidation around my identity.

 

Go away ego — you’re not welcome here with your shallow lies and fears.

 

You can burn me to the ground.

Leave me to fend for myself.

Time and time again,  I will prove that you will never be able to destroy the fighting spirit that binds me to my soul.

 

In the beginning, I made a promise to myself.

“I will never let you down, or abandon you in your time of greatest need.  You can count on me always.  I shall not forsake you.”

 

There will be no dying breath to mark my words.

A soul with purpose is immortal.

 

Good night, sweet girl.

I love you.

I will follow you into the dark.

 

nighttree

 

You can’t catch me…..I’m soaring…..

Today, I decided to just go with the flow….and that doesn’t mean I didn’t set an intention, it just means I didn’t plan out every tiny detail.

Every day my intention is to do something meaningful ~

Something that will set my soul on fire…..

Today: (and btw…..these aren’t the things that get me all stirred up in the pits of my soul)

  • I did some writing for upcoming blogs
  • I accomplished my social media posts
  • I sorted some photos to tweet
  • Set up a bitly account
  • Created some new subdomains for future campaigns
  • Soaked and roasted my very first batch of garbanzo beans ( seriously dudes….you have to try these #newfavouritething I will write and share the super-simple recipe in my other blog – watch for it )
  • & a bunch of other mundane things I won’t mention…….

……but here’s what got my aura all lit up………

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THIS SOUL-STIRRING PIANO MUSIC-PLAYLIST

I cannot even begin to describe what my spirit is feeling while this music is playing…….

When I was a little girl, I taught myself how to play my great-grandmother’s piano — (Let’s call it THE GREAT ESCAPE)…..

I would sit and tinker with those keys and when I finally learned to get both hands going, and use those pedals ‘at the same time’ , well let’s just say it was a pretty memorable moment in my childhood.

That piano got me through some pretty dark days, and when I felt like things were hopeless and grim, I’d play and play and play…..and float away…….

Give it a go….I’m telling you, it’s amazing.

Sit down with a book ~ do your studying ~ write a blog ~ or your memoirs ~ or pet the freaking cat ~ ANYTHING…..SOMETHING……with this music playing.

You’re welcome ❤

Privilege vs Perspective…

dav

There once was a time when I didn’t see light in my days — or my future. I felt like I was carrying a huge rock around inside of me, weighing me down, blocking me from experiencing joy.

Everything felt hopeless.

I would cry silently in my room at night, after I had put my only child to bed — wondering if that horrific, dreadful feeling was going to last forever?

My only solace was knowing that I was pretty much incognito in my surroundings — nobody knew me — and that to me, felt safe.

It meant I didn’t have to hold my head high when I walked out of my house in case I saw someone I knew.

It meant I could take a stroll to the park, or around my neighbourhood, or off on errands without having to smile at anyone, or pretend that I was happy to see ‘them’, when all I wanted was to be invisible.

And then the unthinkable happened.

My full-of-life 4 year old child was struck by a hit-and-run driver.

I will never forget the phone call that I received from the doctor in the emergency ward, telling me that his brain scans did not look good — severe brain bleed called a ‘subdural hematoma’ was blocking off the oxygen supply to his delicate brain tissues, and death was imminent — get here as soon as you can!!

I hung up the phone, choking on tears, heart pounding…..scaring the crap out of my poor grandmother who was watching my face as I received the news. ( I had taken a trip to Toronto to visit her, and had left my boy with a couple that were like adopted parents to me growing up )

What’s wrong Mel?…..granny asked. I looked at her and said, “it’s Brendan….the doctor says he probably won’t make it but wants me there as quickly as I can”.

I won’t go over the rest of the details….but let me tell you…..the moment that boy awoke from his state of suspended animation at the end of that week, and spoke to me….EVERYTHING CHANGED.

And although I have had my struggles……some very deep, dark, painful tragedies of losing 2 of my other sons (rip my boys), and being estranged from my others……nothing compares to that moment of sitting idle and watching, waiting, crying, begging, praying……”please let my boy live and I will do everything in my power to make sure he never knows a day without love”…….

I’ve kept that promise to all of my boys, even if they don’t believe it or feel it for reasons of their own…

And every day is a blessing, for it’s an opportunity for change…..

It’s an opportunity for healing…..

It’s an opportunity for a reunion of loving souls……my family dreams may come true!

It’s okay to feel down in the dumps sometimes, but I can assure you, there is always a reason to smile even after the darkest of days…..

Peace be with you, and may you always find your way…..

Melissa Dawn Roy-Hiller xo

Thundering Silence Sig