Lesson 13: Feel It All

[I’ve been slowly working my way through an online course entitled A Year to Clear What is Holding You Back. This is the 13th lesson–]

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The best way to release what isn’t working for you is to enter that sometimes scary zone called feeling.

Feeling the overwhelm, resistance, attachment, guilt, despair, shame. . .

Feeling it all without judging it as good or bad, or taking it personally.

Q – What are you feeling right this second? Is it possible to take one step back and observe what you’re feeling?

A – I’m currently watching a television series which has depicted a woman being attacked and beaten.  Her body pushed to the ground — kicked and punched repeatedly.

The next morning the scene unfolds – She sees herself in the mirror.  Cuts, bruises, all over her face.  She walks stiffly.  The pain is evident.

I remember this, too many times to count.

And although the cuts and bruises have faded, physical scars remain.  I can see them on my face, and feel them as I apply my face creams, and occasional make-up.

The thing about scars is that they never go away.  They become a part of you that you will carry with you forever, and must deal with each and every day of the rest of your life.

I’ve come to terms with it all, and they no longer bring me pain — physically or emotionally.  However, they do bring memories that I occasionally observe from a place of numbness.  I have learned how to detach from the emotional pain that I experienced during those healing phases of my life’s journey.

I didn’t have a fancy selfie-cam available back in those days, which is probably a good thing because I don’t want photos of myself looking that way.  The memory is enough.

The sad thing though is that sometimes those photographs are necessary.  They can show proof of wounds inflicted.

There was one time that I had to endure this evidentiary procedure.  I was led into a narrow, windowless room.  I was asked to remove every article of clothing but I insisted on keeping my underpants on.  I had photos taken of every square inch of my battered and bruised body.  The lacerations on my face.  Choke prints on my neck.  Shoe prints on my upper-cheekbone and forehead.  Combined with the photographs taken of the damages from my home (following the unfortunate home invasion), a compelling case was made in court.

Aside from the obvious discomforts, the hardest part was the fact that I was alone during these processes.  Alone to endure the abuse.  Alone during the collection of evidence.  Alone during the Q&A as my statement was written.  Alone in the court room as I testified, face to face with the person responsible for my injuries.  And alone in the days, weeks, months, and years afterwards, as I figured out how to heal from these repeated offences.

I remember feeling shame.  I remember feeling guilt for not being able to protect and prevent these things from happening.  I remember feeling helpless because I had no way to finance my way to safety.  I remember fearing the judgment of what people would think if they saw my face that way, so I hid away for weeks until the bruises were no longer visible, covering what I could with clothing.

I also remember the fear of recrimination.  The unfair judgments handed out to others like me.  Why does she stay?  Meanwhile the better question would have been…..what happened, what can I do to help?  And I would have gladly accepted it, graciously.

Sometimes we stay because we are afraid of what might happen next — (not in my case, but it’s still a factor for a great deal of survival victims) — and sometimes we stay because we have no way to escape.  We live in an expensive world.  In my case, I was denied public assistance for reasons too complicated to get into right now.  All part of that entrapment and control process.

In hindsight, I don’t feel any emotional attachment to any of it.  I am free of the heartache.  I am free of the anger.  I am free of that helpless feeling.

To sum it up — I feel grateful.  Grateful that I had the strength to endure, survive, and heal.  Grateful that I had the strength to leave.  Grateful that I had the wherewithal to remain loving and kind to my children during such a difficult phase of our lives.

Every once in a while I feel a twinge of guilt as I think about what my boys have been through, but then I remind myself that I didn’t do this to us; to them.  Every decision on my part was for survival, and prevention…..and I don’t think they can even begin to comprehend the magnitude of what I saved them from having to witness.

That incident I wrote about above, — my eldest boy was a very young child, and he remains haunted by the flashes of images of seeing me being beaten, and left bloody, fighting to regain consciousness.  He remembers thinking that I was dead.  He remembers hearing me struggle, and choking, gasping for breath.  He remembers watching me clawing, and kicking……and he remembers me asking him to call for help.  I would never wish this on another innocent, little soul.

That’s the part that hurts.  The memory of hearing him crying over me while I was unable to open my eyes — “Mommy wake up…are you dead?  Wake up Mommy….”, and having him hug me, and look at my bruised and broken face, asking me if it hurts……

Today’s response, as I allow myself to feel all the feels — ‘Yes son, it does’…… [those damn memories…..]

I wish I could erase those painful memories for us all.

If I had one piece of advice to give to others — Try not to think too far ahead.  Keep your head in the now, and do whatever you can to get through each moment as it comes.  Moment by moment, minute by minute, day by day…..you’ll progress.
Use social media to your benefit.  Search for uplifting posts that depict courage, and encouragement.  Surround yourself only by positivity — positive messages, positive people, positive energies.  [Don’t try to fit in where you’re not accepted or wanted, like I did for far too long.  That only led to further heartache on top of what I was already struggling to overcome.]

The people that are right for you will reach out to understand.  They will reach out with offers of support in any way that they can.  They will refer you to places of assistance, and they will not force you to stay hush, or feel shame about your situation.

You survived.  You are a survivor.  You will be ok — just keep reaching for the stars.

There are online support groups that nobody needs to even know about.  Use them — they are a fantastic place to receive love during your darkest hours.  I met some amazing people in these groups and to this day they remain near and dear to my heart.

Remember to find something to be grateful for at the beginning and end of each day.

Take time to meditate, and think happy thoughts.

You’re never alone.  We’re in this together. xo

Sweet Surrender

I saw this today, and boy did it suddenly take me back —

I instantly remembered the song — the memories — and the emotions attached.

Summer 2006 – Winter 2007
The Era of Bennett

This was such an up and down period of my life.

As I remember this, my thoughts jump back and forth in this timeline — to the middle, the birth, the discovery of this tiny little being……. The waiting, the longing, the aching…..

That fucking heartache that I honestly thought would stop my heart from beating.

And I had moments where I wanted it to, just to stop the hurting.

The agony of it all. The gut-wrenching pain that I thought would never stop.

And this is the song that played during it all — from beginning to end — night after night.

I had it on a cd in my bedroom, and pre-Bennett, it was my favourite song. I listened to it once after he was gone……and not again until today.

I shed a few tears, but remembered that it’s just a memory — and I’ve survived it. Time to detach from those painful memories, and be grateful for the eternal love that he’s gifted me with.

Gzaagin, Bennett. Gchi-miigwech for choosing me.
July 2006 – April 2007

The lyrics are posted in the video —

Beyond the Veil visits with my Grandmothers

Last night I had a beautiful dream —

I was visited by my Grandmothers.

I don’t remember how it came to be —

I was walking along a moonlit path.

The mist was hovering a few inches from the ground, gently enveloping me.

I was not afraid, despite the darkness.

I could hear my name — beckoning me to walk fearlessly amongst the tall cedar trees — the smell of damp earth was all around me.

Up ahead I saw a brightness guiding me.

As I drew closer, I could see that it was fire flames.

Around this fire sat many women. Some with long flowing hair; others with braids adorned by feathers.

Suddenly I recognized one of the women. She stood opposite me, on the other side of the fire.

“Mel, come to me. Do not be afraid.”

I walked around the fire and stood facing her. I knew that voice, but it was softer, and more youthful than I remembered.

“Granny! – is that you?!!”

It was.

And she had another woman standing next to her.

I sensed the calm demeanor of everyone around us, and I followed their unspoken guidance to remain at peace.

I resisted the urge to grab hold of her — instead I reached out, and she took both my hands in hers – “Hello Mel, you look well”.

{She wasn’t speaking in english, but I could understand every word.}

“Miigwech Granny, you look well also”, I said as I beamed with abundant joy. “Who is this with you, and why am I here?” — “What is this place?”

“It is neither here, nor there –“, she said, and although this may seem confusing, I understood where we were, and what she meant.

The stars shone bright above us. I could see the Milky Way, and an infinite number of colourful galaxies ——

The moon was ever-changing — pausing for a few seconds before it appeared smaller and larger — blinking between crescent – and half, and full stages — reminding me that time is also neither here, nor there. It is both relevant; and not.

Granny was appearing to me as a much younger version of herself; one that I have no recollection of ever meeting before, but I remembered seeing – once upon a time – in photographs.

She then turned slightly to her left, silently signalling to me to give my attentions to the stunning young woman, with the golden aura, standing next to her.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Her beauty defies description.

Granny passed my right hand to this woman, and said —

“This is my grandmother — also your grandmother, and my grandmother’s great-grandmother…..” (and so on, and so forth — infinite wisdom right here.)

I remember thinking, ok, now I’m confused, — but I reminded myself not to overthink it – and just accept this significant meeting, which was not happening by chance.

Granny’s Grandmother – (also my grandmother, and so on and so forth?) – took both of my hands into hers – and smiled at me – allowing me a few moments to gather my wits about me, before she carried on…….

“Hello, my darling. I know you must have a million questions running through your mind right now, but breathe; and be still, and listen –“

I remember that I could hear my pulse in my ears

‘what is happening right now’………

“Shhhh……it’s ok”, spoke Grandmother, still smiling. “Everything’s ok.”

She then proceeded to tell me that I am never alone, and I am always supervised — Never judged, and unconditionally loved by the Divine.

I was told to stop questioning the validity of my thoughts, and allow my intuition to pull me through my future quests.

She assured me that time is entirely irrelevant, and to never fear that it will run out. It won’t – as everything is perpetual motion, in all directions, at all moments of perceived realities. (Mind-bending, I know…)

She urged me to let go of any guilt that I have for any past doings, for none of those experiences were meant to inflict negativity.

“All experiences are for knowledge only. You are granted the gift of experience. Hold onto those memories – and put them to good use – when it’s your time to guide.”

She paused, still holding onto my hands, still gently smiling at me. I couldn’t look away — clinging to her every word.

She wanted me to know — and share with you all — that in those moments when we may have shared time with other beings, it was not in vain — and to shed the remorse. It (remorse) is not valuable. There is no benefit in shaming ourselves.

The sharing of time with others, is also a gift, not to be questioned with regret. In those moments shared, you may have needed the presence of another — or maybe that other being — needed your presence.

– Grandmother’s words of wisdom

“Do you understand, dear child? What this means is that every loving, affectionate, show of comfort, was for someone’s benefit at that particular moment in time.
We are beings of Love, and Light, and we are here to share in that, at all times.
It is not something to fear, regret, or feel shameful remorse about.
It is The Way.
It is only a human perception to shame others for sharing affections, and love, with each other. Humans place boundaries and rules —
but remember, That – is Not – The Way.”

grandmother

Grandmother then told me that was enough for now — and reminded me that I only ever need to request her presence and she will come to me at any time. She is always with me — along with many others — even if I cannot see or hear them.

Take deep breaths — and wait — and feel — and you will know our presence.

Now go…..go back and rest. You are loved. You are love.

I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to turn away. I pleaded with her —

“Grandmother, please don’t make me go — I wish to stay with you…..”

Her energy was warm, and felt far too comforting to leave……..

She leaned over and kissed me gently on my forehead, (the way a loving Grandmother does)……brushed my hair back from my face……and assured me we would be together again —

– “but for now, you must go. It is not your time to stay here, and you have much to experience, learn, and share. Do you understand?”

grandmother

I looked down and nodded……still holding hands….

…. “Yes, Grandmother. I do.”

One last smile from Grandmother, and a few more words from Granny.

“You’re doing great, Mel. See you soon.”

Granny

And then I woke up — looking at my bedroom blinds, just before the Sun began to rise above the horizon — feeling the greatest sense of peace.

I don’t yet think that I have it all figured out, but I know I am no longer lost; nor am I alone. I am love. I am loved. And I have a mission to fulfill.

XO.

The Dance of Deceit

Deceit.

Betrayal.

Disregard.

Disgust.

Disbelief.

If I could have a conversation with my younger self, I would say —

“Girl, be careful; and don’t ever doubt your ability to provide for yourself. Find a way to be self-sufficient. Do not trust anyone with your financial stability. Build your own empire. Find ways to be unstoppable. Learn about investments, assets, and liabilities. Avoid traps. Always follow your gut instinct.”

truth

I wish I was free as a bird. I wish I could walk into the woods, build a little cabin with twigs and dirt and magical dust, and live there peacefully for as long as I need to, whenever I want.

I feel stuck. I regret the decisions that I have made in life. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and have a do-over.

I fucked up.

Like really fucked up bad.

I have trapped myself in a nightmare’s web, and the more I struggle to break free, the tighter the weave ensnares me.

irrational fears, and the lies i tell myself

You’re not young anymore, and the world is a difficult place. You’re too old to start over. You’ll probably fail.

the questions i ask when nobody is around to hear them

What if things get worse? What if I never achieve my goals? How do I manifest my dreams? What am I going to do? Where do I begin? What if my children hate me forever?

the dialogue moving forward after the ‘insecurity voice’ subsides

You’re stronger than this.

You got this. You can do it.

You’ve been through worse.

Believe in yourself.

Just breathe.

Sit still, in the silence, and catch your breath…….

Remember that you are far more protected than you can even begin to imagine.

resolution

I am fine. Everything will be ok. Stay in the NOW. Do what you love. Have faith in your gifts. The Universe will find ways to grant you everything you ever wished for, and more —- Just believe. Ask. Receive.

synopsis

These are the stories I relive regularly. My superpower is that I always find ways to overcome every obstacle.

How to cope when the only thing you’re asking for is ‘denied’…..

I think it’s a universal issue.

At one time, or another, we have likely all felt the sting of ‘denial’, ‘rejection’, ‘abandonment’ — for whatever reason.

Maybe as a child, when you ask for a candy, or a cookie…….’denied’.

Or maybe it was something far more intense.

The long and short of it —- is this ————

Denial sucks. Being denied of the one and only thing you require in that moment — the only thing that is going to bring healing, safety, and that feeling of comfort (and subsequent joy), —- truly sucks.

‘Well leave then’ is a destructive, inflammatory response.

What does that comment convey to someone experiencing trauma?

I guess to me, my ability to feel empathy for others in need is literally mind-boggled when someone that claims to care and love you, and want only the best for you, is unable to show the very thing you crave, desire, and need, in order to feel validated.

How is empathy not a universal trait? How does a caring person not see with transparency, or hear your words coming through? Am I suddenly speaking a foreign language?

And I guess I am…………

Not everyone we encounter in life will have the ability to hear, see, or respond the way that we wish that they would.

We will be let down. We will feel misunderstood, and discarded.

We will feel disregarded, rejected, and invisible.

And if we’re really lucky, we will stop ourselves dead in our tracks and say…….

—- this is enough. I am enough. I am good enough for me.

After decades of feeling like an alien in my surroundings, I decided to seek ways in which I could find my own way out of utter despair, and hopelessness.

It’s that ‘sink or swim’ dilemma. Fight or flight. And for me…….the fight response has become my go-to, largely in part because I have had no where to go, and no finances to get me there.

I become the tiny dog, with the big bark.

Am I proud of this? No. I don’t want to be the loud dog, but I also don’t want to be the tiny cowering, frightened dog either.

Money doesn’t instantly appear, and my emotions don’t immediately calm themselves either. I ride the adrenaline train — heart racing, thoughts swirling madly, feeling trapped in Hell, unable to escape — like the walls are closing in on me, and it’s becoming difficult to breathe unless I get out.

I need to scream……...Please Stop Talking!! In my mind, that’s the short and fast solution…… and then I begin to allow my mind to wander. My childhood daydreams kick in.

If only I could make everything around me disappear.

If only I could blink my eyes and instantly ‘beam myself’ into a sunny meadow surrounded by warmth, and beautiful flowers, and butterflies and songbirds……

or onto a warm sandy beach, and hear the gentle waves lapping against the shore…..

or find myself in the midst of an incredible forest, surrounded by tall trees, and silent shadows of leaves, and mosses, and fungi of all shapes and sizes — and inhale that earthy fragrance —-

In a perfect world, I wake up in a soft, comfy bed — in a room of my woodland cottage. Tall trees outside my window.

I see the sun beginning to rise, and hear the chatter of the forest dwellers as they too begin to make their way about their daily routines.

I lay in bed for a few minutes — thinking happy thoughts.

I am warm. I am safe. I am protected. I am blessed.

I stretch my limbs, and place my feet upon the floor. I quietly dress, and make my way into the kitchen.

Good morning, fur-babies!

I then make the coffee, and provide myself with my creature comforts.

Step outside, inhale the forest fragrance, and smile………..

I will read in silence. I will think, in silence. I will feel blessed, in silence.

In my perfect world, all my needs are met, by me. [I can save myself.] I have the ability to grow my own food, cultivating an entire lifestyle around my own comforts. I alone will decide how I structure those days, always thinking, feeling, and believing……..

Today’s a beautiful day.

Note to self – Don’t sell yourself short

Why do you feel this way?

It’s a recurring question during the times when my temper flares. And the answer to me is very obvious.

I state it clearly. Words of precision. Great details.

If I require silence, I will say, “Please stop talking. I need silence right now.”

And when asked why — I will say, “Because I am triggered. I am revisiting some trauma and it feels awful, and right now all I need is comfort, so I can feel safe.”

“I do not need to be told your opinion, or how you would have done something different — or that you think someone else around me should have done something different — because the past is the past, and we cannot undo the past — and telling me what you would have done, or what someone else should have done — is NOT GOING TO HELP ME TO FEEL SAFE IN THIS MOMENT”.

Like seriously — ask me why I feel this way — over and over and over again — and the response is ALWAYS THE SAME!!!

IT BOILS DOWN TO SAFETY AND SECURITY, WHICH CLEARLY I AM WANTING AND BEGGING FOR, BUT I AM RECEIVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE THING I AM SCREAMING OUT FOR!!

I want to ask —- why can’t you get this? Why can’t you see how destructive your questions, opinions, and words are? Why can’t you show comfort? Why can’t you see me struggling, clenching my teeth and fists, fighting the rage and tears??

Is it not obvious that I am in turmoil?

Is it not obvious what I am needing, when I have said — ALL I NEED IS COMFORT RIGHT NOW, AND SILENCE.

So I sit, wishing I could be a million miles away, spending time in nature, alone, in silence ——

And I have to bite my tongue, and find ways to comfort myself yet again — which is the story of my life.

Dear self,

Keep your head on straight, and breathe…….. You are blessed with strength and grace, and the ability to get through anything and everything…… This too shall pass. Someone else’s inability to provide comfort is not your burden unless you choose to embrace that, which you won’t, and don’t. Release yourself from all negativity. Think happy thoughts. Look to the future, and remember your goals. Inhale love, exhale peace…………

Dear Universe:

Please encompass me with your healing protection. Surround me with the loving guidance and comfort of my angels, ancestors, and guardian spirits. Please help me to shut out the noise around me, so I can feel inner peace, harmony with all creation, and a connection to my soul.

The Sound of a Mother’s Grief

45 seconds in duration……(turn up the volume)

I heard this video yesterday, and listened again today — with better speakers. The sound is very faint, but evident it’s a cry of pain and fear, echoing from a great distance…..

When I first heard this, it reminded me of the night following my youngest son’s funeral.

We had laid him to rest as the sun was setting in the evening, after a few days of his traditional anishnaabe wake service, at my father’s home.

I obviously felt drained, and still recovering from childbirth (Bennett was only 8 days old at the time of his passing…..), and I felt I just needed some time alone to process the last couple of weeks.

Image subject to copyright — do not share or ‘borrow’. This is an actual photo of my boy and I, holding hands, days before he passed.

I went home alone, to a cold, empty house — and went to the basement to light a fire in my wood stove.

I sat in the rocking chair, watching the flames dance, waiting for the warmth to reach me……my breath visible in the chill of the indoor air.

I was silent for a few minutes, contemplating all those nights of the previous months, sitting in that very spot, doing the very same thing, while dreaming of an unknown future, with my newborn son………

An expectant mother’s thoughts — full of hope, and love…….

Suddenly the tears began to flow……..and the sounds came……

I was alone, nobody around to hear me — and I let it all out……..

The sounds that came out of me were literally much like the sounds of whatever is wailing in that above video. To me, that’s the sound of a mother’s broken heart.

Saying our farewell…..’until we meet again’

I don’t begin to know what living creature made that sound, but I know the heartache it must have been experiencing. Perhaps it had just lost it’s young, or was alone and afraid, wounded and fearful of what was going to happen next ————– regardless……the emotions are evident to those of us with the ability to ‘feel noise’, and read ‘energy’…..

My youngest living boy is having a birthday in ten days……and just like every year on the anniversary of birth of all my living sons, — I grieve and sob, and pour out all the love that I wish that I could give them.

A mother always remembers the day that her children came into the world — and how it felt to hold them for the very first time.

It’s been several years since I’ve seen or spoken with my 3 youngest boys, and although I think of them each and every day, I do so with as much joy as I can muster.

But those birthdays are rough……….

Taken during a mini-vacation in Niagara Falls, November 2007
Our last family photo, and as this was captured, I was unaware that we’d never all be together again.

These boys are now all taller than me, living their lives — and as far as I know they are doing well. I find contentment in that while I sit and pray that I will see, or hear from them again.

Until that day, every birthday, I will probably make that gut-wrenching sound, releasing the angst of a mother’s pent up pain, and tears…….

#parental_alienation_sucks #parental_alienation_is_a_crime

A peek into my guarded soul…

Triumph over struggle….

I’ve been the girl that sat in wait, in a group home, for parents that didn’t call, or show up….

I’ve stood by the grave of my stillborn child, alone, because people didn’t believe my loss was real enough to show up for…..

I’ve been alone, in a small room, completely naked and trembling, while having photos taken of my bruises and lacerations…..(I’ll leave the rest up to imagination….)

I’ve sat in a courtroom alone, making repeated victim statements, praying it would be the last time….again and again and again……. Being forced to relive the traumas, addressing a room full of strangers, speaking the words out loud of what happened…..each inch of my body being violated as I had to try not to break down, in shame……while strangers were allowed to sit in and hear it all……and I did this year – after year – after year……..for three decades.  I’ve not been inside a courtroom for 2 yrs, and hope to never be again.

During the above mentioned: I begged for a safe place to call home. Access denied.

I held my newborn, 8 day old son, for the first time, while he took his last breaths, and his heart was declared still………. I never got to hear him cry, but I saw his silent tears.

I have stood in line at a food bank. Many times.

I have received my family’s clothing at a depot located at a battered women’s shelter.

We all spent nearly 8 months (that one stretch), sleeping on twin beds, cots, and a crib.  We did this multiple times because it was the only place we could feel safe, and have our needs met.

I have gathered empty bottles, redeemable for coins, so I could feed my children, while I went without for days.

I’ve watched the hydro truck pull up, watched a hydro worker disconnect my power, and lived in the dark for days until my late payment processed and I scraped together the money needed to have it connected again.  Several times this. Denied social assistance because my name appears on the mortgage of a house — [ like I would ever be able to sell it without my mortgage cosigner’s permission…….] How do you control your victim and remind her she’s not in control?

I have cried myself to sleep at night, in shame, asking if I made the right choice in choosing safety, —– over financial security, and multiple beatings.

I took my final $60, packed a suitcase, and wound up in a shelter across the country — taking whatever work I could get, just to make sure my mortgage and bills back home were paid, so I could keep a roof over my family’s head.  I lost them anyway……

It has been 7+ yrs since I’ve celebrated a family holiday with all my children under my roof, by my side, in my loving arms.

I’ve been arrested for things I did not do — been forced to defend myself out of someone else’s need for revenge — fingerprints, mug shots…..multiple court appearances until I was cleared.  I had to fight not to lose my children ‘into the system’ until it could all be sorted out.  One of them ended up there…..and the rest of us endured CAS scrutiny for years and years, until we were allowed to live our lives privately, and sacredly.  This involved home visits, and court appearances, to prove I am a fit, and loving mother.  Never once did I not show up for my boys.

I have been told what a disgrace and public humiliation I am……more times than I want to recount……

I have sat alone on many Christmas days…….crying beside my wood fire for warmth, and praying for this to all be over……

I have watched from a close distance, the cars line up, knowing I wasn’t welcome, for reasons nobody seems to want to know……

I sit and wait in silence, year after year, wondering where my boys are, and how they’re doing, not wanting to ask questions in case I am overstepping my boundaries……hoping that one day someone will put in a good word for me, and they will come back.

This list could grow to miles in length, but I think you get the picture.

So when I say I know it’s not easy to forgive and forget, I so fucking get it.

I’ll be 50 on my next birthday, and I can honestly say that I have only had approximately 12 months of peace in my soul since the day I was cursed to walk this path I call my life.

Healing is a choice, and I make it every day.

Which came first? (a psycho-analysis of the shadow self), aka ‘things I ponder on snowy days’….

🧐 Which came first? #nerdalert

Today’s rabbit hole has led me to exploring more about the ascension process — what is it, etc…..
….which then led me to looking up info regarding our inner psyche — where did it come from? Were we born with certain tendencies which were brought forward by our shadow self — or did we develop our ego based upon our emotional experiences?

Regardless of which theory is true is all relative, and neither here nor there…..

What matters to me is why we choose to act out in certain ways (what’s the pay-off to self?), and how do we develop our ability to control our shadow self — ie “withdraw our projections from the world around us”, thereby expediting the ascension process.

Here’s an interesting quote by Alfred Jung —
“Everything of which I know, but of which I am not at the moment thinking; everything of which I was once conscious but have now forgotten; everything perceived by my senses, but not noted by my conscious mind; everything which, involuntarily and without paying attention to it, I feel, think, remember, want, and do; all the future things which are taking shape in me and will sometime come to consciousness; all this is the content of the unconscious… Besides these we must include all more or less intentional repressions of painful thought and feelings. I call the sum of these contents the ‘personal unconscious’.”

To be continued………

#thunderingsilenceblog

Adolescence in turmoil, a not uncommon journey into oblivion.

When I was a young girl of 15, I recognized a dependency occurring in my life. It frightened me, but in the throws of struggling through a torturous adolescence, I was reaping ways to numb my heartache.

(Photo borrowed from the internet)

And then the unthinkable happened, during one of my many self-inflicted-numbing sessions ——

—- and a few short weeks later, at the age of 15, I found out that I was going to become a mother.

[At this time, I won’t go into the dreadful details of how, when, where it all came to be, as it’s not important in this post….(perhaps another day)….]

I chose to embrace the new life that was coming into mine, and held onto faith that our Creator chose me for this journey, for reasons I didn’t yet understand. In hindsight, I see it as both a blessing, and a saving of my soul.

My boy gave me hope for my future. He taught me about unconditional love, and pure joy. Watching him grow was challenging (to say the least), but on this side of things, I can see now why I was chosen to be his Mum.

Motherhood saved me from a potentially devastating path, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

My heart goes out to those lost souls that find themselves on paths that no child ever willingly chooses. I pray that one day they will find the strength necessary to pull themselves out of it, and know that there are others out there that do not judge. When you experience the kind of pain and heartache that I have endured, you too will understand how unexpected tragedies can occur.

Stay strong. You are loved. xo