The Dance of Deceit

Deceit.

Betrayal.

Disregard.

Disgust.

Disbelief.

If I could have a conversation with my younger self, I would say —

“Girl, be careful; and don’t ever doubt your ability to provide for yourself. Find a way to be self-sufficient. Do not trust anyone with your financial stability. Build your own empire. Find ways to be unstoppable. Learn about investments, assets, and liabilities. Avoid traps. Always follow your gut instinct.”

truth

I wish I was free as a bird. I wish I could walk into the woods, build a little cabin with twigs and dirt and magical dust, and live there peacefully for as long as I need to, whenever I want.

I feel stuck. I regret the decisions that I have made in life. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and have a do-over.

I fucked up.

Like really fucked up bad.

I have trapped myself in a nightmare’s web, and the more I struggle to break free, the tighter the weave ensnares me.

irrational fears, and the lies i tell myself

You’re not young anymore, and the world is a difficult place. You’re too old to start over. You’ll probably fail.

the questions i ask when nobody is around to hear them

What if things get worse? What if I never achieve my goals? How do I manifest my dreams? What am I going to do? Where do I begin? What if my children hate me forever?

the dialogue moving forward after the ‘insecurity voice’ subsides

You’re stronger than this.

You got this. You can do it.

You’ve been through worse.

Believe in yourself.

Just breathe.

Sit still, in the silence, and catch your breath…….

Remember that you are far more protected than you can even begin to imagine.

resolution

I am fine. Everything will be ok. Stay in the NOW. Do what you love. Have faith in your gifts. The Universe will find ways to grant you everything you ever wished for, and more —- Just believe. Ask. Receive.

synopsis

These are the stories I relive regularly. My superpower is that I always find ways to overcome every obstacle.

How to cope when the only thing you’re asking for is ‘denied’…..

I think it’s a universal issue.

At one time, or another, we have likely all felt the sting of ‘denial’, ‘rejection’, ‘abandonment’ — for whatever reason.

Maybe as a child, when you ask for a candy, or a cookie…….’denied’.

Or maybe it was something far more intense.

The long and short of it —- is this ————

Denial sucks. Being denied of the one and only thing you require in that moment — the only thing that is going to bring healing, safety, and that feeling of comfort (and subsequent joy), —- truly sucks.

‘Well leave then’ is a destructive, inflammatory response.

What does that comment convey to someone experiencing trauma?

I guess to me, my ability to feel empathy for others in need is literally mind-boggled when someone that claims to care and love you, and want only the best for you, is unable to show the very thing you crave, desire, and need, in order to feel validated.

How is empathy not a universal trait? How does a caring person not see with transparency, or hear your words coming through? Am I suddenly speaking a foreign language?

And I guess I am…………

Not everyone we encounter in life will have the ability to hear, see, or respond the way that we wish that they would.

We will be let down. We will feel misunderstood, and discarded.

We will feel disregarded, rejected, and invisible.

And if we’re really lucky, we will stop ourselves dead in our tracks and say…….

—- this is enough. I am enough. I am good enough for me.

After decades of feeling like an alien in my surroundings, I decided to seek ways in which I could find my own way out of utter despair, and hopelessness.

It’s that ‘sink or swim’ dilemma. Fight or flight. And for me…….the fight response has become my go-to, largely in part because I have had no where to go, and no finances to get me there.

I become the tiny dog, with the big bark.

Am I proud of this? No. I don’t want to be the loud dog, but I also don’t want to be the tiny cowering, frightened dog either.

Money doesn’t instantly appear, and my emotions don’t immediately calm themselves either. I ride the adrenaline train — heart racing, thoughts swirling madly, feeling trapped in Hell, unable to escape — like the walls are closing in on me, and it’s becoming difficult to breathe unless I get out.

I need to scream……...Please Stop Talking!! In my mind, that’s the short and fast solution…… and then I begin to allow my mind to wander. My childhood daydreams kick in.

If only I could make everything around me disappear.

If only I could blink my eyes and instantly ‘beam myself’ into a sunny meadow surrounded by warmth, and beautiful flowers, and butterflies and songbirds……

or onto a warm sandy beach, and hear the gentle waves lapping against the shore…..

or find myself in the midst of an incredible forest, surrounded by tall trees, and silent shadows of leaves, and mosses, and fungi of all shapes and sizes — and inhale that earthy fragrance —-

In a perfect world, I wake up in a soft, comfy bed — in a room of my woodland cottage. Tall trees outside my window.

I see the sun beginning to rise, and hear the chatter of the forest dwellers as they too begin to make their way about their daily routines.

I lay in bed for a few minutes — thinking happy thoughts.

I am warm. I am safe. I am protected. I am blessed.

I stretch my limbs, and place my feet upon the floor. I quietly dress, and make my way into the kitchen.

Good morning, fur-babies!

I then make the coffee, and provide myself with my creature comforts.

Step outside, inhale the forest fragrance, and smile………..

I will read in silence. I will think, in silence. I will feel blessed, in silence.

In my perfect world, all my needs are met, by me. [I can save myself.] I have the ability to grow my own food, cultivating an entire lifestyle around my own comforts. I alone will decide how I structure those days, always thinking, feeling, and believing……..

Today’s a beautiful day.

Note to self – Don’t sell yourself short

Why do you feel this way?

It’s a recurring question during the times when my temper flares. And the answer to me is very obvious.

I state it clearly. Words of precision. Great details.

If I require silence, I will say, “Please stop talking. I need silence right now.”

And when asked why — I will say, “Because I am triggered. I am revisiting some trauma and it feels awful, and right now all I need is comfort, so I can feel safe.”

“I do not need to be told your opinion, or how you would have done something different — or that you think someone else around me should have done something different — because the past is the past, and we cannot undo the past — and telling me what you would have done, or what someone else should have done — is NOT GOING TO HELP ME TO FEEL SAFE IN THIS MOMENT”.

Like seriously — ask me why I feel this way — over and over and over again — and the response is ALWAYS THE SAME!!!

IT BOILS DOWN TO SAFETY AND SECURITY, WHICH CLEARLY I AM WANTING AND BEGGING FOR, BUT I AM RECEIVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE THING I AM SCREAMING OUT FOR!!

I want to ask —- why can’t you get this? Why can’t you see how destructive your questions, opinions, and words are? Why can’t you show comfort? Why can’t you see me struggling, clenching my teeth and fists, fighting the rage and tears??

Is it not obvious that I am in turmoil?

Is it not obvious what I am needing, when I have said — ALL I NEED IS COMFORT RIGHT NOW, AND SILENCE.

So I sit, wishing I could be a million miles away, spending time in nature, alone, in silence ——

And I have to bite my tongue, and find ways to comfort myself yet again — which is the story of my life.

Dear self,

Keep your head on straight, and breathe…….. You are blessed with strength and grace, and the ability to get through anything and everything…… This too shall pass. Someone else’s inability to provide comfort is not your burden unless you choose to embrace that, which you won’t, and don’t. Release yourself from all negativity. Think happy thoughts. Look to the future, and remember your goals. Inhale love, exhale peace…………

Dear Universe:

Please encompass me with your healing protection. Surround me with the loving guidance and comfort of my angels, ancestors, and guardian spirits. Please help me to shut out the noise around me, so I can feel inner peace, harmony with all creation, and a connection to my soul.

The Sound of a Mother’s Grief

45 seconds in duration……(turn up the volume)

I heard this video yesterday, and listened again today — with better speakers. The sound is very faint, but evident it’s a cry of pain and fear, echoing from a great distance…..

When I first heard this, it reminded me of the night following my youngest son’s funeral.

We had laid him to rest as the sun was setting in the evening, after a few days of his traditional anishnaabe wake service, at my father’s home.

I obviously felt drained, and still recovering from childbirth (Bennett was only 8 days old at the time of his passing…..), and I felt I just needed some time alone to process the last couple of weeks.

Image subject to copyright — do not share or ‘borrow’. This is an actual photo of my boy and I, holding hands, days before he passed.

I went home alone, to a cold, empty house — and went to the basement to light a fire in my wood stove.

I sat in the rocking chair, watching the flames dance, waiting for the warmth to reach me……my breath visible in the chill of the indoor air.

I was silent for a few minutes, contemplating all those nights of the previous months, sitting in that very spot, doing the very same thing, while dreaming of an unknown future, with my newborn son………

An expectant mother’s thoughts — full of hope, and love…….

Suddenly the tears began to flow……..and the sounds came……

I was alone, nobody around to hear me — and I let it all out……..

The sounds that came out of me were literally much like the sounds of whatever is wailing in that above video. To me, that’s the sound of a mother’s broken heart.

Saying our farewell…..’until we meet again’

I don’t begin to know what living creature made that sound, but I know the heartache it must have been experiencing. Perhaps it had just lost it’s young, or was alone and afraid, wounded and fearful of what was going to happen next ————– regardless……the emotions are evident to those of us with the ability to ‘feel noise’, and read ‘energy’…..

My youngest living boy is having a birthday in ten days……and just like every year on the anniversary of birth of all my living sons, — I grieve and sob, and pour out all the love that I wish that I could give them.

A mother always remembers the day that her children came into the world — and how it felt to hold them for the very first time.

It’s been several years since I’ve seen or spoken with my 3 youngest boys, and although I think of them each and every day, I do so with as much joy as I can muster.

But those birthdays are rough……….

Taken during a mini-vacation in Niagara Falls, November 2007
Our last family photo, and as this was captured, I was unaware that we’d never all be together again.

These boys are now all taller than me, living their lives — and as far as I know they are doing well. I find contentment in that while I sit and pray that I will see, or hear from them again.

Until that day, every birthday, I will probably make that gut-wrenching sound, releasing the angst of a mother’s pent up pain, and tears…….

#parental_alienation_sucks #parental_alienation_is_a_crime

A peek into my guarded soul…

Triumph over struggle….

I’ve been the girl that sat in wait, in a group home, for parents that didn’t call, or show up….

I’ve stood by the grave of my stillborn child, alone, because people didn’t believe my loss was real enough to show up for…..

I’ve been alone, in a small room, completely naked and trembling, while having photos taken of my bruises and lacerations…..(I’ll leave the rest up to imagination….)

I’ve sat in a courtroom alone, making repeated victim statements, praying it would be the last time….again and again and again……. Being forced to relive the traumas, addressing a room full of strangers, speaking the words out loud of what happened…..each inch of my body being violated as I had to try not to break down, in shame……while strangers were allowed to sit in and hear it all……and I did this year – after year – after year……..for three decades.  I’ve not been inside a courtroom for 2 yrs, and hope to never be again.

During the above mentioned: I begged for a safe place to call home. Access denied.

I held my newborn, 8 day old son, for the first time, while he took his last breaths, and his heart was declared still………. I never got to hear him cry, but I saw his silent tears.

I have stood in line at a food bank. Many times.

I have received my family’s clothing at a depot located at a battered women’s shelter.

We all spent nearly 8 months (that one stretch), sleeping on twin beds, cots, and a crib.  We did this multiple times because it was the only place we could feel safe, and have our needs met.

I have gathered empty bottles, redeemable for coins, so I could feed my children, while I went without for days.

I’ve watched the hydro truck pull up, watched a hydro worker disconnect my power, and lived in the dark for days until my late payment processed and I scraped together the money needed to have it connected again.  Several times this. Denied social assistance because my name appears on the mortgage of a house — [ like I would ever be able to sell it without my mortgage cosigner’s permission…….] How do you control your victim and remind her she’s not in control?

I have cried myself to sleep at night, in shame, asking if I made the right choice in choosing safety, —– over financial security, and multiple beatings.

I took my final $60, packed a suitcase, and wound up in a shelter across the country — taking whatever work I could get, just to make sure my mortgage and bills back home were paid, so I could keep a roof over my family’s head.  I lost them anyway……

It has been 7+ yrs since I’ve celebrated a family holiday with all my children under my roof, by my side, in my loving arms.

I’ve been arrested for things I did not do — been forced to defend myself out of someone else’s need for revenge — fingerprints, mug shots…..multiple court appearances until I was cleared.  I had to fight not to lose my children ‘into the system’ until it could all be sorted out.  One of them ended up there…..and the rest of us endured CAS scrutiny for years and years, until we were allowed to live our lives privately, and sacredly.  This involved home visits, and court appearances, to prove I am a fit, and loving mother.  Never once did I not show up for my boys.

I have been told what a disgrace and public humiliation I am……more times than I want to recount……

I have sat alone on many Christmas days…….crying beside my wood fire for warmth, and praying for this to all be over……

I have watched from a close distance, the cars line up, knowing I wasn’t welcome, for reasons nobody seems to want to know……

I sit and wait in silence, year after year, wondering where my boys are, and how they’re doing, not wanting to ask questions in case I am overstepping my boundaries……hoping that one day someone will put in a good word for me, and they will come back.

This list could grow to miles in length, but I think you get the picture.

So when I say I know it’s not easy to forgive and forget, I so fucking get it.

I’ll be 50 on my next birthday, and I can honestly say that I have only had approximately 12 months of peace in my soul since the day I was cursed to walk this path I call my life.

Healing is a choice, and I make it every day.

Which came first? (a psycho-analysis of the shadow self), aka ‘things I ponder on snowy days’….

🧐 Which came first? #nerdalert

Today’s rabbit hole has led me to exploring more about the ascension process — what is it, etc…..
….which then led me to looking up info regarding our inner psyche — where did it come from? Were we born with certain tendencies which were brought forward by our shadow self — or did we develop our ego based upon our emotional experiences?

Regardless of which theory is true is all relative, and neither here nor there…..

What matters to me is why we choose to act out in certain ways (what’s the pay-off to self?), and how do we develop our ability to control our shadow self — ie “withdraw our projections from the world around us”, thereby expediting the ascension process.

Here’s an interesting quote by Alfred Jung —
“Everything of which I know, but of which I am not at the moment thinking; everything of which I was once conscious but have now forgotten; everything perceived by my senses, but not noted by my conscious mind; everything which, involuntarily and without paying attention to it, I feel, think, remember, want, and do; all the future things which are taking shape in me and will sometime come to consciousness; all this is the content of the unconscious… Besides these we must include all more or less intentional repressions of painful thought and feelings. I call the sum of these contents the ‘personal unconscious’.”

To be continued………

#thunderingsilenceblog

Adolescence in turmoil, a not uncommon journey into oblivion.

When I was a young girl of 15, I recognized a dependency occurring in my life. It frightened me, but in the throws of struggling through a torturous adolescence, I was reaping ways to numb my heartache.

(Photo borrowed from the internet)

And then the unthinkable happened, during one of my many self-inflicted-numbing sessions ——

—- and a few short weeks later, at the age of 15, I found out that I was going to become a mother.

[At this time, I won’t go into the dreadful details of how, when, where it all came to be, as it’s not important in this post….(perhaps another day)….]

I chose to embrace the new life that was coming into mine, and held onto faith that our Creator chose me for this journey, for reasons I didn’t yet understand. In hindsight, I see it as both a blessing, and a saving of my soul.

My boy gave me hope for my future. He taught me about unconditional love, and pure joy. Watching him grow was challenging (to say the least), but on this side of things, I can see now why I was chosen to be his Mum.

Motherhood saved me from a potentially devastating path, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

My heart goes out to those lost souls that find themselves on paths that no child ever willingly chooses. I pray that one day they will find the strength necessary to pull themselves out of it, and know that there are others out there that do not judge. When you experience the kind of pain and heartache that I have endured, you too will understand how unexpected tragedies can occur.

Stay strong. You are loved. xo

4:44 am

The poison spreads, like a bite from a venomous serpent, taking down the weak; seducing them into a trance-like state. One-by-one they follow, seemingly unaware.

I was once a hapless victim, believing that this death-march was going to lead me to my salvation.

In the stillness of the night, under the darkness, truth lays in wait. You cannot lie to yourself when there’s nobody there to witness you.

Be honest, the voice says. Free yourself. The serpent plays you for a fool and you were born for a greater destiny than this.

I chose to lop off the head of the snake, despite the fact that it went against all that I had been tricked into believing.

At times, the memories mock me. I feel the powerful pull, sucking me back in like a swift and powerful current. Sometimes you must allow it to carry you along to safety. Don’t fight it; you’ll drown while trying to save yourself. It’s a futile dance of death.

Use the current to your advantage. Allow it to propel you to higher ground. Always forward motion; never back.

You see, dear heart, you’re smarter than they. Your soul knows the way. Follow the tribal drumbeat – and do not be afraid.

‘These are my 4 am thoughts’. They come to me for a reason. I wrestle with the days gone —

“They’re not your people — let them go”.

[It’s a lonely and sometimes treacherous path, but I have faith in where it’s leading to.]

I’ll love you till my dying day, and way beyond that…

Always to thine own heart true,
Thundering Silence xo

The Painful Reality of Grief, and other truths….

It’s that time of year again. The days that no amount of detachment can flee.

A Mother will remember forever the day of her child’s birth. The physical pain was pushed away and the intense love washed over me, like a tsunami meeting the shore.

The only thought on my mind that day was…..”is he okay, and how much time do we have?”

Those are not the normal thoughts of a ‘new’ mother……..

I knew our moments were fleeting.

I heard the ticking of the clock — beginning with the very moment that I found out you were with me; a Mother’s instinct so preternatural as primitive wisdom often is. The knowing,…. intense and unavoidable.

No amount of time is going to erase this.

Year after year it strikes again, and I am taken aback by how quickly the emotions hit me, leaving me literally breathless as I choke back the tears.

Deep breath — hold it. I cannot exhale for to do so is like letting go of you again. A breath that can never be breathed again.

A moment in time — gone in an instant —– and all you want to do is stop time.

Suspended animation. That desire to hold on for as long as you want to — as long as you need to — never wanting that magical feeling to stop. That wonderful feeling of meeting this tiny being that you felt growing inside of you……remembering the exhilarating experience of every flutter and kick, and every heartbeat heard.

Don’t exhale…..don’t let go……………

PLEASE JUST STOP………STOP………I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO GO ON……

BUT you do. You do go on. And you breathe again, cuz life’s like that.

Always moving forward, no matter what — launching you into newness, and the unknown.

Today, tomorrow……next week, next year…….time will play a trick, and I will be in this place once again.

So right now, I struggle with the knowing and the breathing and the feeling and the longing, — and the agony of grief….

…..and I hold my breath, and close my eyes, and I remember your beautiful innocent face the first time you looked at me, — your dark curls, the softness of your skin, the warmth of your touch, and the knowledge that you are with me always……

……..and one day……..one day……..I will see you again.

Baamaapii, little warrior…..until we meet again.

‘In every heartbeat, every sunset, every daisy,…… I think of you and smile’….

Gzaagin my boy, Mom xo

A year to clear…and a year to grow…Do what you LOVE!

When I decide to throw myself into something, I tend to go ‘all in’, and sometimes forget to find time for relaxation, and rest! So here’s today’s reminder………

I pondered this for several moments, and then wrote down my list.

I love — learning & sharing, essential oils and herbal remedies, gardening, crystals, cooking and creating my own recipes, reading — researching and writing, — about various topics! The list of loves is endless!




Follow your passions in life, and you’ll never be bored.

The truth is, I wish I could thrive on less sleep so I can spend more hours of my day pursuing my dreams.

Life is what you make it, peeps!

Make it a blessing!

Wishing you a ridiculously fulfilling life! xo