I think it’s a universal issue.
At one time, or another, we have likely all felt the sting of ‘denial’, ‘rejection’, ‘abandonment’ — for whatever reason.
Maybe as a child, when you ask for a candy, or a cookie…….’denied’.
Or maybe it was something far more intense.
The long and short of it —- is this ————
Denial sucks. Being denied of the one and only thing you require in that moment — the only thing that is going to bring healing, safety, and that feeling of comfort (and subsequent joy), —- truly sucks.
‘Well leave then’ is a destructive, inflammatory response.
What does that comment convey to someone experiencing trauma?
I guess to me, my ability to feel empathy for others in need is literally mind-boggled when someone that claims to care and love you, and want only the best for you, is unable to show the very thing you crave, desire, and need, in order to feel validated.
How is empathy not a universal trait? How does a caring person not see with transparency, or hear your words coming through? Am I suddenly speaking a foreign language?
And I guess I am…………
Not everyone we encounter in life will have the ability to hear, see, or respond the way that we wish that they would.
We will be let down. We will feel misunderstood, and discarded.
We will feel disregarded, rejected, and invisible.
And if we’re really lucky, we will stop ourselves dead in our tracks and say…….
—- this is enough. I am enough. I am good enough for me.
After decades of feeling like an alien in my surroundings, I decided to seek ways in which I could find my own way out of utter despair, and hopelessness.
It’s that ‘sink or swim’ dilemma. Fight or flight. And for me…….the fight response has become my go-to, largely in part because I have had no where to go, and no finances to get me there.
I become the tiny dog, with the big bark.
Am I proud of this? No. I don’t want to be the loud dog, but I also don’t want to be the tiny cowering, frightened dog either.
Money doesn’t instantly appear, and my emotions don’t immediately calm themselves either. I ride the adrenaline train — heart racing, thoughts swirling madly, feeling trapped in Hell, unable to escape — like the walls are closing in on me, and it’s becoming difficult to breathe unless I get out.
I need to scream……...Please Stop Talking!! In my mind, that’s the short and fast solution…… and then I begin to allow my mind to wander. My childhood daydreams kick in.
If only I could make everything around me disappear.
If only I could blink my eyes and instantly ‘beam myself’ into a sunny meadow surrounded by warmth, and beautiful flowers, and butterflies and songbirds……
or onto a warm sandy beach, and hear the gentle waves lapping against the shore…..
or find myself in the midst of an incredible forest, surrounded by tall trees, and silent shadows of leaves, and mosses, and fungi of all shapes and sizes — and inhale that earthy fragrance —-
In a perfect world, I wake up in a soft, comfy bed — in a room of my woodland cottage. Tall trees outside my window.
I see the sun beginning to rise, and hear the chatter of the forest dwellers as they too begin to make their way about their daily routines.
I lay in bed for a few minutes — thinking happy thoughts.
I am warm. I am safe. I am protected. I am blessed.
I stretch my limbs, and place my feet upon the floor. I quietly dress, and make my way into the kitchen.
Good morning, fur-babies!
I then make the coffee, and provide myself with my creature comforts.
Step outside, inhale the forest fragrance, and smile………..
I will read in silence. I will think, in silence. I will feel blessed, in silence.
In my perfect world, all my needs are met, by me. [I can save myself.] I have the ability to grow my own food, cultivating an entire lifestyle around my own comforts. I alone will decide how I structure those days, always thinking, feeling, and believing……..
Today’s a beautiful day.
Thundering Silence 